mom to two: 10 months in

I know. I suck at consistent blogging. Sorry about that. I swear I am trying to improve.

That being said, my baby will turn ten months old in 4 days. The last time I blogged about parenting, she was three months old. It's been a bit of a whirlwind.

And every time I think I have it all under control, the baby hits a new milestone and needs more supervision. Or I register the toddler for another activity. Or we undergo a week of sleepless nights. And all those half-written blog posts remain in limbo, waiting for their story to be told.

i'm no feminist, but...

Maybe some of you read the article posted a while ago in the Huffington Post titled "How to Talk to Little Girls". I keep thinking about it.

As a mama to two girls who are growing up fast, I think a lot about how I'm raising them. How I speak to them. What I'm modelling through my own behaviours. How to encourage them to be confident, intelligent and compassionate little girls (and eventually women).

frazzled

As I finally sat down to blog again, for the first time in about 3 months, I was trying to think of how to summarize these last few months of my life. I can think of so many delightful moments. So many hilarious, laugh-out-loud moments. So many sweet, yummy, cuddly moments. But mostly, when I think about my first three months as a mama to two beautiful girls? If I'm really honest?

Frazzled.

my dream job

The other day I went in to visit my former workplace. It was so nice to see my former workmates and it was fun to show off my girls.

After I left I started thinking about a conversation my husband and I had months earlier.

It was while I was pregnant with our Bug and preparing for my maternity leave... or as I joked, my 'early retirement from the workforce'. He had asked me if I was going to miss my job.

I had to think about it. Would I miss my co-workers? Most definitely. Would I miss the actual work? Kind of.

I was good at my job. I think I was efficient, and I was appreciated. My job was varied and I enjoyed it. But could my boss and my lab operate without me? Yep. They certainly could (and are).

As much as I enjoyed what I did, it wasn't my passion. It wasn't what my heart longed to do. And I wasn't essential to the operation of the laboratory.

Being a mother to my girls (at the risk of sounding conceited): this I am really good at. But more than that, it is a job that I don't think anyone can do better than I can. No one knows my babies like I do. No one can love them the same way, anticipate their needs, or care for them like me.
I feel like I'm doing the most important job in the world. It's not an easy job. It's way harder and so much more demanding than any other 'job' I've had. And it certainly isn't full of very much praise or appreciation. But there is nothing else I would rather do.

I realize that being a stay-at-home mom isn't for everyone. Some women just don't feel called to it. And some might like to be at home all the time with their kids, but (whether for financial or various other reasons) simply can't.

I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home.

I left my job to pursue my passion: my family. My husband has always been so passionate about medicine. And I have always felt like (and been slightly jealous that) he is making such an impact in the world. He's making a real difference in people's lives.

And now I feel like I am too.

The lives of two little girls who need me very much.

Being a mother feels instinctual to me. I know what to do. I am confident in my skills. I am shaping two little people; teaching them the things they need to know and loving them with my whole heart.

This.

Motherhood.

This is what I was meant to do. This is what I feel called to do. This is what I want to do.

This is my dream job.

my current employers

Bug - 6 weeks old
Bean - 23 months old

from one to two

My heart is breaking for my baby girl.

Not the new baby girl that I brought into the world nearly 3 weeks ago, but my first baby girl. The one who was the centre of our lives until another one suddenly arrived to share it.

My Bean is such a sweet, fun-loving, easy and careful little girl. But these past few weeks have been tough for her. She is acting out in ways she never has before, and testing limits constantly.

To be honest, I thought the transition to two would go rather smoothly. I knew I would be sleep-deprived and that the beginning weeks would be a little tough. But I didn't expect the Bean to be having such a hard time. She loves babies. Has been excited every time she saw one for the past few months. And she is generally a helpful and very compliant child.

But the little girl I've been loving so hard this week is a much different child. This child has moments of belligerence. She doesn't want to go to sleep at night and screams for her mama. She deliberately disobeys me, especially if it's asking her not to touch the baby.

And my heart is breaking because I'm worried I'm losing some of my sweet little girl.

My heart hurts because I know she's not acting out on purpose. She's just trying to cope with this big change in her little life.

I'm worried that I don't know how to love both of my sweet girls enough. That I don't know how to care for two little people who so desperately need me. At the same time.

These first few weeks have been full of tough, but also many amazing moments.

It's been tough because the Doctor didn't take his week of paternity leave right away. This was our choice. He gets seven days off and since my mom was here for the first week to help out, it made sense that hubby would take the following week instead of overlapping with my mom. But he was on call three times the first week and we really didn't see very much of him at all. He is useless at night because he's so tired. And I let him sleep because he has to work in the morning.

So I'm tired. And emotional. And I miss my team mate.

And I was little sad that he missed the first week of newness with the Bug.

Adjusting to two babies is not an easy thing. And having to share her Mama is hard for my 22 month old. So I'm doing my best. I'm trying to give the Bean as much attention and words of encouragement as I can. I'm trying to include her as a 'big helper' whenever possible. And at the same time, I'm trying to savour these first days with my new baby. To take care of her needs and hold her as much as possible.

I'm savouring the moments when my Bean spontaneously comes up and kisses her baby sister on the head. When she runs over with concern at the baby crying and says 'Aww baby'. Or looks at me and says 'I love you' for no reason. Moments of sweetness that I hope will only multiply.

I know that things will get easier with time, as we all adjust to our new family dynamic.

But right now I'm praying for strength to make it through each day...

moment of sweetness

when did you get so big?

My baby girl is growing up.

I don't know if it's because she is learning so many new things so quickly, or if it's because I'm preparing for the arrival of a brand new baby, but my Bean seems so big these days.

In the span of a week she started talking in 2 and 3 word sentences.

Last week we walked to the park. No stroller. Just my big girl holding my hand and chattering all the way.

She is almost fully potty-trained and almost always tells me when she has to go.

Last week we said good-bye to her bottle.

And on the weekend she reached for me, said "Mama". And then, of her own accord: "Wuv woo".

I can't even tell you what those two little words did to my heart. She's been saying "love you" back to us for a little while now, when prompted, but this was the first time my daughter told me she loved me because she wanted to.

It is an indescribable feeling to have love returned to you by your child. This little bean, who I have loved and cared for whole-heartedly since before she was born is starting to recognize love and affection, and is beginning to demonstrate it on her own.

To me, this is a huge milestone. A big development for the Bean. While the physical milestones (like sitting, crawling, walking) have been so fun to watch, these new emotional and mental growth spurts are even more exciting to me.

We have inside jokes, my daughter and I. Things we do to make the other laugh. I am loving watching her sense of humour develop. She is, without a doubt, a little person with her own personality.

It makes me excited to see who this next baby will be and how different or similar he/she will be to the Bean. Isn't parenthood the greatest adventure?

how did we get from this...

... to this??

Bean,   19 months old