Not the new baby girl that I brought into the world nearly 3 weeks ago, but my first baby girl. The one who was the centre of our lives until another one suddenly arrived to share it.
My Bean is such a sweet, fun-loving, easy and careful little girl. But these past few weeks have been tough for her. She is acting out in ways she never has before, and testing limits constantly.
To be honest, I thought the transition to two would go rather smoothly. I knew I would be sleep-deprived and that the beginning weeks would be a little tough. But I didn't expect the Bean to be having such a hard time. She loves babies. Has been excited every time she saw one for the past few months. And she is generally a helpful and very compliant child.
But the little girl I've been loving so hard this week is a much different child. This child has moments of belligerence. She doesn't want to go to sleep at night and screams for her mama. She deliberately disobeys me, especially if it's asking her not to touch the baby.
And my heart is breaking because I'm worried I'm losing some of my sweet little girl.
My heart hurts because I know she's not acting out on purpose. She's just trying to cope with this big change in her little life.
I'm worried that I don't know how to love both of my sweet girls enough. That I don't know how to care for two little people who so desperately need me. At the same time.
These first few weeks have been full of tough, but also many amazing moments.
It's been tough because the Doctor didn't take his week of paternity leave right away. This was our choice. He gets seven days off and since my mom was here for the first week to help out, it made sense that hubby would take the following week instead of overlapping with my mom. But he was on call three times the first week and we really didn't see very much of him at all. He is useless at night because he's so tired. And I let him sleep because he has to work in the morning.
So I'm tired. And emotional. And I miss my team mate.
And I was little sad that he missed the first week of newness with the Bug.
Adjusting to two babies is not an easy thing. And having to share her Mama is hard for my 22 month old. So I'm doing my best. I'm trying to give the Bean as much attention and words of encouragement as I can. I'm trying to include her as a 'big helper' whenever possible. And at the same time, I'm trying to savour these first days with my new baby. To take care of her needs and hold her as much as possible.
I'm savouring the moments when my Bean spontaneously comes up and kisses her baby sister on the head. When she runs over with concern at the baby crying and says 'Aww baby'. Or looks at me and says 'I love you' for no reason. Moments of sweetness that I hope will only multiply.
I know that things will get easier with time, as we all adjust to our new family dynamic.
But right now I'm praying for strength to make it through each day...
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| moment of sweetness |
