when to draw the line

We were talking not that long ago with friends of ours about our "portfolios". The things in our households that he always takes care of or she always does. It was a light hearted conversation that had us laughing. But it led to a more serious discussion between my hubby and I later as the Doctor and I came to realize that a vast majority of the items in my husband's portfolio had somehow made their way into mine.

How this happened, neither of us are quite sure. I certainly didn't sneak into his folder and steal his jobs to bolster my own portfolio. Trust me, it's full enough. Perhaps some of them I took willingly from him, and filed them neatly (and alphabetically) into my own. But others are shoved in there, crumpled and out of order.

Can I take care of things on my own? Heck, yes I'm capable.

But do I want to? Or should I have to? This is the more difficult question to answer.

I don't resent my husband for studying hard or working long hours. But there are times that I definitely do hold some resentment. To be quite honest, there are times that I wish our family ranked higher on his list of priorities. There are times that I wish I ranked higher on that list.

I get it. He's a resident. A student-doctor. He is learning a highly skilled profession that deals with people's health and lives. It's serious. No duh he has to study. I wouldn't want someone operating on me without reading a thing or two about the procedure, right?

So the hard part is knowing where to draw the line between needing him here with me and wanting him here.

The tricky thing is helping him to find balance when all he can focus on is that next exam or that new surgical skill he has to master.

I know it's going to get better. As the Doctor repeats procedures and becomes more comfortable with his skills and knowledge, he won't have to study as much. His call load will eventually lighten and someday, one day, he'll be able to have more control over his hours. From what I hear, second year residency is one of the busiest years of training.

But right now I feel as if it's going to be a never-ending cycle. And if we don't find a balance now, maybe we never will. There will always be something to study for, a paper to read, a surgical procedure to learn or improve.

I love the handsome, intelligent, fun-loving man I married so much. I feel like I can never spend enough time with him.

So for me, I'm trying to determine how much I can share. How understanding and flexible can I be before enough is enough? Before our marriage suffers for it?

I am so thankful that my hubby and I can be open and honest with each other. I really make an effort not to whine and complain to him about the long hours he spends away from us. Especially the ones he can't help. But I do let him know how I'm feeling. When it is getting to be too much. When he needs to take a break. If not for his sake, then for mine.

We're getting there. We're learning how to make it work. And once our new baby arrives, we'll have to figure it out again.

But that's what marriage is.

That's what being a family is all about.

This past week I drew the line.

We took a much needed break from our everyday lives. We went to Cuba for a week's vacation. We went to an all-inclusive resort. All our meals were prepared for us. Our room was cleaned every day for us. The beach was beautiful. And our time was our own. Time together. Time as a family. Does it get any better than that?

We also made a decision to invite my parents to join us. They helped to take care of the Bean and she even had 4 sleep-overs in their room! The Doctor and I got some much needed time alone. I even got to sleep in (kinda'). And we took long walks by ourselves on the beach.

the Bean and her Oma and Opa

I really can't express how refreshing this holiday was. Did my hubby study on the beach almost every day? Well, yes. But he was beside me. I was reading a novel and usually the Bean was napping in her shade tent. I didn't care. And did I mention it was on a beach with the sun shining down on us?

I feel now that I can make it through this next month while the Doctor prepares for his huge exam at the beginning of April. It was a break we both needed. It was the uninterrupted time together that I so desperately craved.

perspective

When my hubby gets home from work, it's customary for us to ask about each other's days. You know, "how was it?", "what did you do?", "did you eat?" (okay, that last one is me making sure my hubby is taking care of himself, since it's often difficult for him to grab 10min to eat something).

I love hearing about the Doctor's day. Probably because I think his days are infinitely more interesting than mine. And luckily I am not squeamish, and also think the surgeries he's performing are "cool". He, in turn, is always eager to hear about what I've been up to, especially if I've spent the day with the Bean. I know the little things she does bring a huge smile to his face, so I try to remember as many of them as I can.

Talking about our days helps us feel connected. To know what our partner has been up to and to know what their state of mind is at the end of a day.

Occasionally one of us will have a "bad" day. My husband is a great listener and a wise man. I know that for me, talking through that bad day with him can help me vent frustrations, it can help me sort out exactly what made it bad and why I'm feeling the way I am.

And occasionally, something like this happens:

hubby: "how was your day?"

me: "ugh. it was terrible. i wore the wrong underwear and they drove me crazy all day; i got stuck on the highway because of an accident and was late for work; then i spent all morning working on a spreadsheet for my boss, who looked at it and then decided he wanted something completely different and i had to re-do the entire thing. it was a frustrating day."

hubby: "that does sound frustrating."

me: "it was. how was your day?"

hubby: "well, we had to meet with a patient's family to tell them their loved one was going to die. it was tough, i almost cried. then we got the test results back on another patient and it looks like she isn't going to make it either. my pager went off all night and i only slept for an hour in the call-room."

me: "oh."

So you see, sometimes talking about our days can make my "bad" day seem not very terrible at all.

Sometimes God grants me a little perspective.

Sometimes I am a little more conscious of what really matters in this life. And sometimes I am reminded to count my blessings and grumble less.