when to draw the line

We were talking not that long ago with friends of ours about our "portfolios". The things in our households that he always takes care of or she always does. It was a light hearted conversation that had us laughing. But it led to a more serious discussion between my hubby and I later as the Doctor and I came to realize that a vast majority of the items in my husband's portfolio had somehow made their way into mine.

How this happened, neither of us are quite sure. I certainly didn't sneak into his folder and steal his jobs to bolster my own portfolio. Trust me, it's full enough. Perhaps some of them I took willingly from him, and filed them neatly (and alphabetically) into my own. But others are shoved in there, crumpled and out of order.

Can I take care of things on my own? Heck, yes I'm capable.

But do I want to? Or should I have to? This is the more difficult question to answer.

I don't resent my husband for studying hard or working long hours. But there are times that I definitely do hold some resentment. To be quite honest, there are times that I wish our family ranked higher on his list of priorities. There are times that I wish I ranked higher on that list.

I get it. He's a resident. A student-doctor. He is learning a highly skilled profession that deals with people's health and lives. It's serious. No duh he has to study. I wouldn't want someone operating on me without reading a thing or two about the procedure, right?

So the hard part is knowing where to draw the line between needing him here with me and wanting him here.

The tricky thing is helping him to find balance when all he can focus on is that next exam or that new surgical skill he has to master.

I know it's going to get better. As the Doctor repeats procedures and becomes more comfortable with his skills and knowledge, he won't have to study as much. His call load will eventually lighten and someday, one day, he'll be able to have more control over his hours. From what I hear, second year residency is one of the busiest years of training.

But right now I feel as if it's going to be a never-ending cycle. And if we don't find a balance now, maybe we never will. There will always be something to study for, a paper to read, a surgical procedure to learn or improve.

I love the handsome, intelligent, fun-loving man I married so much. I feel like I can never spend enough time with him.

So for me, I'm trying to determine how much I can share. How understanding and flexible can I be before enough is enough? Before our marriage suffers for it?

I am so thankful that my hubby and I can be open and honest with each other. I really make an effort not to whine and complain to him about the long hours he spends away from us. Especially the ones he can't help. But I do let him know how I'm feeling. When it is getting to be too much. When he needs to take a break. If not for his sake, then for mine.

We're getting there. We're learning how to make it work. And once our new baby arrives, we'll have to figure it out again.

But that's what marriage is.

That's what being a family is all about.

This past week I drew the line.

We took a much needed break from our everyday lives. We went to Cuba for a week's vacation. We went to an all-inclusive resort. All our meals were prepared for us. Our room was cleaned every day for us. The beach was beautiful. And our time was our own. Time together. Time as a family. Does it get any better than that?

We also made a decision to invite my parents to join us. They helped to take care of the Bean and she even had 4 sleep-overs in their room! The Doctor and I got some much needed time alone. I even got to sleep in (kinda'). And we took long walks by ourselves on the beach.

the Bean and her Oma and Opa

I really can't express how refreshing this holiday was. Did my hubby study on the beach almost every day? Well, yes. But he was beside me. I was reading a novel and usually the Bean was napping in her shade tent. I didn't care. And did I mention it was on a beach with the sun shining down on us?

I feel now that I can make it through this next month while the Doctor prepares for his huge exam at the beginning of April. It was a break we both needed. It was the uninterrupted time together that I so desperately craved.

steamy notes

I’m sorry. It’s been rather quiet around here lately, I know. The Doctor has been studying for the second part of his licensing exam, so I’ve been flying solo on the home and baby front.

Needless to say, I’ve had my hands full.

And I get lonely.

I’ll admit it.

I miss my hubby. My partner.

I somehow thought that residency would be less busy than medical school. Boy was I wrong.

Med school now seems like a sort of vacation in comparison. Summers off, classes starting at 8am, frequent afternoons off. Oh sure it was busy. Especially around exam time. But residency is double the busy.

I know, part of this probably has to do with the fact that we now have a bigger house to take care of, and a 13-month old running around. But my hubby starts work at 6:30am or earlier most days, and when he comes home at 6 or 7pm it doesn’t end. There is always more studying to be done. Cases to read about for the next day.

But I’m getting off topic. My reason for writing this post was to talk about romance. Now my hubby is a huge romantic. When we were dating he wrote me more songs than I can count. Letters and dates (planned by him) were also a frequent occurrence when we were dating and also in the early years of our marriage. It is so important to keep the romance alive.

This is easier said than done when married to a resident.

Life changes.

I've learned that it is so important to step back and regroup every once in a while; to re-prioritize our life. My hubby sometimes loses focus; he’ll be the first one to admit that. Planned date nights, when we go out without the bean and have time to just talk by ourselves without distractions are so wonderful. We don’t do them nearly enough.

But even more important is the day-to-day romance. The little things to let your spouse know you’re thinking about them. These are the hard ones to do because they take time and forethought. I started a little thing a few months back that I love.

Our shower door is glass. This means it is perfect for writing on with a dry erase marker. So I started leaving my hubby little notes before I went to bed (he usually gets ready for bed faster than I do and is out of the bathroom before me) and he would see them in the morning. And most times, when I got up, there would be a little note written back to me.

This may not seem like a big deal, but these notes brighten up my whole day. I start off my morning knowing that my hubby is thinking about me. Sure, I know he’s thinking of me during the day. But it’s nice to actually be told that he loves me and is thinking about me.

Residency is stressful and demanding. And I think it’s even more stressful if you don’t have a good support team at home. This is probably true of many jobs. I’ve taken it upon myself to pull my hubby out of his studying fog every once in a while and remind him that we’re in this together, and I need him too.

It’s too easy to just sit back and wait for the romance to happen (and you could be waiting a long time). Sometimes husbands need a gentle nudge.