it's only five years: things not to say to a resident's wife

I get this a lot.

You probably know by now that residency is hard for me (and I'm not the one who is a resident.)

So maybe people don't know what to say when I complain (again) about residency.

And they try to cheer me up (?) by suggesting that it is only five years long. Only five years and then the hard part will be done. Only five years and then the living is easy.

Residency is only five years long.

But I just can't get behind the "yeah, your life sucks, but it's only five years of it". Five months, maybe. One year, maybe.

when to draw the line

We were talking not that long ago with friends of ours about our "portfolios". The things in our households that he always takes care of or she always does. It was a light hearted conversation that had us laughing. But it led to a more serious discussion between my hubby and I later as the Doctor and I came to realize that a vast majority of the items in my husband's portfolio had somehow made their way into mine.

How this happened, neither of us are quite sure. I certainly didn't sneak into his folder and steal his jobs to bolster my own portfolio. Trust me, it's full enough. Perhaps some of them I took willingly from him, and filed them neatly (and alphabetically) into my own. But others are shoved in there, crumpled and out of order.

Can I take care of things on my own? Heck, yes I'm capable.

But do I want to? Or should I have to? This is the more difficult question to answer.

I don't resent my husband for studying hard or working long hours. But there are times that I definitely do hold some resentment. To be quite honest, there are times that I wish our family ranked higher on his list of priorities. There are times that I wish I ranked higher on that list.

I get it. He's a resident. A student-doctor. He is learning a highly skilled profession that deals with people's health and lives. It's serious. No duh he has to study. I wouldn't want someone operating on me without reading a thing or two about the procedure, right?

So the hard part is knowing where to draw the line between needing him here with me and wanting him here.

The tricky thing is helping him to find balance when all he can focus on is that next exam or that new surgical skill he has to master.

I know it's going to get better. As the Doctor repeats procedures and becomes more comfortable with his skills and knowledge, he won't have to study as much. His call load will eventually lighten and someday, one day, he'll be able to have more control over his hours. From what I hear, second year residency is one of the busiest years of training.

But right now I feel as if it's going to be a never-ending cycle. And if we don't find a balance now, maybe we never will. There will always be something to study for, a paper to read, a surgical procedure to learn or improve.

I love the handsome, intelligent, fun-loving man I married so much. I feel like I can never spend enough time with him.

So for me, I'm trying to determine how much I can share. How understanding and flexible can I be before enough is enough? Before our marriage suffers for it?

I am so thankful that my hubby and I can be open and honest with each other. I really make an effort not to whine and complain to him about the long hours he spends away from us. Especially the ones he can't help. But I do let him know how I'm feeling. When it is getting to be too much. When he needs to take a break. If not for his sake, then for mine.

We're getting there. We're learning how to make it work. And once our new baby arrives, we'll have to figure it out again.

But that's what marriage is.

That's what being a family is all about.

This past week I drew the line.

We took a much needed break from our everyday lives. We went to Cuba for a week's vacation. We went to an all-inclusive resort. All our meals were prepared for us. Our room was cleaned every day for us. The beach was beautiful. And our time was our own. Time together. Time as a family. Does it get any better than that?

We also made a decision to invite my parents to join us. They helped to take care of the Bean and she even had 4 sleep-overs in their room! The Doctor and I got some much needed time alone. I even got to sleep in (kinda'). And we took long walks by ourselves on the beach.

the Bean and her Oma and Opa

I really can't express how refreshing this holiday was. Did my hubby study on the beach almost every day? Well, yes. But he was beside me. I was reading a novel and usually the Bean was napping in her shade tent. I didn't care. And did I mention it was on a beach with the sun shining down on us?

I feel now that I can make it through this next month while the Doctor prepares for his huge exam at the beginning of April. It was a break we both needed. It was the uninterrupted time together that I so desperately craved.

Fact or Fiction: Doctor's wives lead glamorous, cushy lives

Ha.

This one gets me. I’ve seen it happen more than a few times.  Apparently being married to a doctor is a symbol of status.

“So, what does your husband do?”

“Oh, he’s a doctor”.

Then there is something that happens. I can see it behind their eyes. Stereotypes enter their head, most likely acquired by television dramas or Hollywood movies. And they form an opinion of me.

Sometimes it’s more light-hearted, like “nice catch!”. But the implications are there.

I must lead a privileged and glamorous life. After all, I’m married to a doctor. I must be “set” for life. After all, I married a doctor.

Well, let this be the second myth I debunk. My life is certainly not very glamorous or cushy. It’s actually quite ordinary. And I certainly didn’t marry my husband for the money. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t spend my days shopping for my Fall Wardrobe and attending Charity Teas while the nanny looks after the baby and the maid cleans the mansion. In actual fact, I work part-time, take care of the bean, clean our small house (when I have time) and never buy anything that’s not on sale.

Now let me be fair and say that our life-style will change one day, once my husband has completed residency (and fellowship?) and is actually hired as staff somewhere. Oh, and we pay off our debt. But we’re talking another 10 years here, people. And even then, I don’t expect to be a “kept” woman.

I’ve joked before with other doctor-spouses that we’re earning our PHT degree (that’s Putting Honey Through). Medical students, Residents, and Doctors work incredibly hard. But so do their spouses.

I'm not a trophy wife. I'm not an accessory.

I’m right alongside my hubby, supporting him in the best ways that I can, working hard to make this life of ours work.

welcome to my glamorous life...

Have something to say? Or another myth you want me to debunk? Please leave your comment below!

Fact or Fiction: Doctors are rich

*snort.

Sorry.

When my hubby and I started out on this journey, I was under this false impression too. Doctors drive fancy cars. They have big houses. They go on luxurious vacations. Little did I know what I was in for…

Let me start with a disclaimer: this blog post is not intended as a complaint, nor am I looking for pity. I’m just trying to tell it like it is, people.

Becoming a doctor is quite the expensive, trying process and I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop and explain a bit of it here. If that doesn’t interest you, please skip ahead.

A medical career begins in Undergrad. You have to get really good marks in all 4 years (like, really good) and take really hard Science courses (did I mention I majored in English?). And you should probably also volunteer somewhere (preferably medical) every year, and take interesting trips to other parts of the world. This looks good on your application.

Then you have to write the MCAT. It’s a little 8 hour exam that you have to study months in advance for. And you have to do really well (like, really really well).

Then you can apply to Medical schools. This is a laborious and fairly expensive process. If you’re lucky, you’ll get an interview (or 2 or 3). You then face a subjective panel of physicians, community members, and med students who decide if they think you should be accepted. If you do get in (some people, like my husband, have to complete a Master’s degree and apply again), you’re overjoyed, and relieved that the process is over. Think again.

Medical school is 4 years long in Canada (except for a few schools that don’t have summer breaks and git’er done in 3 years). In your second-last year you better start to figure out what you want to specialize in and start completing electives (across the country) and research projects in those specialties. This is the part no one told me. Getting into Medical school is just the beginning. You have to apply to match to a residency-training program. So even though you’re a Dr. after the 4 years, you can’t practice medicine until you complete your residency (used to be referred to as an internship).

This residency matching process is referred to as CARMS.

shudder.

The memories are still fresh.

In this process you apply to the programs that you want to match to. A residency training program is anywhere from 2-6 years long. A family medicine residency is 2. Most surgical residencies are 5.

If you get interviews (and you better hope you do), you have to fly to the different cities across the country to interview. Once your cross-Canada tour is over, you sit down and rank the programs from 1 to whatever. The program directors also sit down and rank everyone they interviewed, from 1 to whatever. Then a computer makes the best match. You log on in March and ta-da, find out where you’ll be for the next 2-6 years of your life.

What?

Yep, a computer makes the best match, and you are contractually bound to accept that match. For the next 2-6 years of your life.

Then there are fellowships, which can be completed after your residency to further specialize, but I think I’ve explained enough for now.

Let’s get back to the money.

Medical school for my hubby cost about $14,000 a year. And you certainly can’t work while you’re in Medical school. Hello, line-of-credit. Then you add all the crazy expensive and intimidating textbooks. Plus any medical tools (like stethoscopes and otoscopes), also not cheap.

Remember those electives and then the residency interviews he had to fly all over the country for? Also out of our pocket.

Then my hubby began residency. Surely the money would start rolling in now.

Or not.

If we calculate my husband’s wage, based on the number of hours he works, he makes about 15$/hour. I made $16/hour as a teenager, working as a lifeguard at the YMCA.

And when he’s on-call and works 13 hours through the night, saving lives? Here’s 110 buckeroos (about 8$/hour).

Needless to say, we have a crap-load of debt. An incredibly huge crap-load.

Now when he completes residency, finds a job (yet another, not-so-easy process), and starts working as a staff doctor, yes the pay is quite good. But we have many, many years of debt to pay off. 

I don’t see any fancy cars or big mansions in our near future…

Are you or your spouse in the medical profession? I’d love to hear your comments.